Slam Dunk

I died a painful death this afternoon.

(This is a little embarrassing)
I masturbate rather a lot.
I'm not sure why, I'm compelled
To jerk off eight or even ten times a day.

I was sitting in my Herman Miller Aeron chair
(classy I know)
Working on my ninth or tenth wank of the day.
It always gets a little strained towards bedtime.

When I came my vas deferens cramped up
As if locked in a vice.
I tried to scream, but a dry sickly croak
Was all I could manage.

I fell to the ground writhing, trying to uncramp my nuts.
In between orgasmic spasms
My dry retches syncopated;
I imagine it was quite comical to watch.

Too weak to move,
Lying on my side, groaning slightly, still jerking
My nads depleted,
I suddenly discovered a new way to hurt.

Soft tissues detached from the inside of my prostate
Were apparently slamming against the end of my urethra
With every attempted squirt.
(This I gleaned from the autopsy report.)
For all the pain it might as well have been tiny diamonds trying to escape my cock, uncut.
(The diamonds, not the cock.)

Later, from my new vantage point
I watched as my pitiful corpse drew horrified howls.

Believe me, you do not want to go out that way.